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help yourself to the pain med mini-bar in your room. Recovery will
keep you until you're ready to leave.
• Business class. A room with no view, except for the one out the
open doorway to the nurses' station. The refurbished stretcher's
motor is shot, so it doesn't recline without hand-cranking, which your
nurses will do, under protest. The charts, gowns and linens are paper,
but they're complimentary. Your anesthesiologist will be Dr. I. Try
Hard. Most of the time, he gives you enough to render you senseless.
The surgeon is board-certified and popular with the nurses. The
circulating nurse is certifiable and has 5 years' experience with the
surgeon. The scrub tech is jealous. That's all we can say. Recovery's
pain meds are rationed, but covered by your all-inclusive fee.
• Economy class. You might have to share a stretcher, unless we can
move that morgue table into a pre-op bay. Bring your own linens.
Anesthesia will be provided by Dr. Mallet. Your surgeon is a third-year
resident with 10 years' experience and allegedly only 1 accident, which
we're legally prevented from discussing until after the settlement. The
circulator is a traveling nurse because she can't seem to hold down a
permanent job anywhere, and the scrub tech has almost mastered
English. When you tell the student nursing assistant who's taking
vital signs your date of birth, she says, "Wow, that must have been a
long time ago."
• Budget class. Behind this HIPAA-approved threadbare curtain,
you'll find an aluminum lounge chair. We'll put your belongings in a
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