Because she was so close to me, hiding my issues from her was the
most difficult part, and I knew she wasn't totally unaware of some-
thing wrong in my life. As the months rolled by, Claudia voiced her
suspicions.
Naturally, I'd lie and deny. For her, the balancing act was especially
rough because she didn't want to see me harming myself, but she also
didn't want to turn me in outright and potentially destroy my life and
career. Without my willingness to get help, she was nearly powerless.
More time passed and she shared concerns and hints with close
friends of ours, hospital peers we trusted. Throughout this time, I was
drug tested twice as the suspicions around me grew, but I passed the
first time because I knew very well that fentanyl was not a substance
the lab would include in their screening. Claudia, though, picked up
on the signs that were less obvious to others. By the second test, she
alerted the hospital to test for fentanyl. These were the final days
before I had to seek treatment. These are the signs Claudia saw, the
ones you need to know.
1. Overloading on work. I couldn't simply order more stock for
my cases when I began needing fentanyl because I knew I'd draw
attention. Instead, I took to taking on extra patients, working longer
days and even relieving coworkers of their own cases because I knew
that more exposure meant more opportunity to siphon drugs from the
wasted supply. (I did my best to avoid pediatric cases because there
wouldn't be any waste fentanyl left over for me.) Documenting waste
requires 2 signatures. My strategy usually involved getting someone
distracted, someone busy, to sign with me to record what was thrown
away. Being a trusted figure on my staff helped, too. Knowing I could
easily get other signatures, I felt free to slip the fentanyl under my
tongue and keep my withdrawals at bay. The problem with this worka-
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